


Lost and then Found

by immortalbanner



Category: The Book of Mormon - Parker/Stone/Lopez
Genre: Getting Together, Implied/Referenced Sexual Assault, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, References to Conversion Therapy, the bfn incident
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-15
Updated: 2020-05-15
Packaged: 2021-03-03 00:01:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,483
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24195553
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/immortalbanner/pseuds/immortalbanner
Summary: Being excommunicated from the Mormon church should probably be seen as a bad thing. If anything, it allowed Kevin to figure out a lot of things about himself, and his feelings for Connor McKinley.
Relationships: Elder "Connor" McKinley/Kevin Price
Comments: 3
Kudos: 43





	Lost and then Found

**Author's Note:**

> Back on my Book of Mormon bs recently. I've always really liked this ship and have been working on fics about them. Hopefully I will be able to get around to finishing my other ideas. Also, as per usual, this ended up longer than I thought it would be.

“No, dad, I’ve already told you I’m staying.”

Elder McKinley’s voice drifted through the thin walls of the mission centre. Kevin hadn’t intended on eavesdropping but it was hard not to as he waited for his turn to use the phone on the other side of the door. All the other Elders had had their chance to call home and inform their families about their decision to stay in Uganda until the mission was over as initially intended. McKinley’s phone call had gone for about fifteen minutes, Kevin the only person left to call home.

Despite their excommunication, all of the Elders ultimately decided to stay in Uganda. They had no formal plan and Kevin doubted much would come out of Arnold’s version of the Book of Mormon. Part of Kevin just preferred the idea of staying in Uganda and have some time to figure out who he was without Mormonism and not immediately go back into an environment that reinforced all of it.

Trying to explain his choice to stay home to his parents was going to take a lot of convincing. They’d already paid all the money required, that was already one step into his favour.

The door opened and Elder McKinley stepped out of the mission president’s office. He looked stiff and stared at the sound.

“You okay?” Kevin asked, sitting up from the couch he’d been sitting on.

He shrugged and looked up at him. “My parents are letting me stay but it took a lot of convincing. I guess they expected more from me as district leader and all.”

He nodded. “Well, you’re not a bad district leader or anything.”

“I couldn’t get a single baptism, I’d consider that a bad district leader,” he gave a spiteful laugh. “I was probably only district leader since my parents give a lot of money do the program.”

Kevin paused. That was probably closer to the truth. “Well, it was probably for the best, you know?”

McKinley snorted. “Still unsure about that part. Doesn’t matter, my parents are trying to stop my excommunication.”

He looked at him curiously. “Do you want them to stop it?”

He shrugged, looking at his feet again. “I don’t even know what I want at this point. I’ve never had much say in what I want.”

He frowned. McKinley’s arms were limp at his side, looking absolutely defeated.

Kevin wasn’t all that great at giving advice. Even still, he said the best thing he could think of. “I’m sure you’ll figure it out, Elder. You don’t have to rush anything.”

Elder McKinley looked up at him and stood unmoving. His lips were in a straight line. “Connor.”

He furrowed his brows at him. “What?”

“My name. It’s Connor.”

“Oh. Okay.” A beat. “My name’s Kevin.”

“Okay. Kevin.”

He nodded. They stared at each other for a few brief moments in aching silence. Kevin wasn’t sure what else there really was to say.

“Don’t you still need to call home?” Connor asked, clearing his throat.

He blinked. Somehow, he’d completely forgotten about it. “Yeah, I do.”

“Sorry I kept you waiting,” he said, walking passed him to make room for him to go through the door, keeping his head down.

He patted his arm and smiled at him. “Don’t worry about it, Connor.”

What he thought might be a light blush was on his face as he turned away and nodded. “I’ll wait for you. We can take the bus back together.”

He smiled. “Okay, good.”

They looked at each other for a few more moments before Kevin walked into the mission presidents office, closing the door behind him, ignoring whatever chill he was feeling down his back.

The conversation with his parents wasn’t as easy as Kevin had guessed it would be. They spent five minutes insisting for him to come home before hearing him out how he wanted to find other ways to try and help the Ugandans.

Eventually, he did get through to them. He promised to still call them on the days he was allowed to and they promised him they’d figure out how to stop his excommunication. Kevin didn’t argue, even with then nagging part of him that wasn’t sure he’d even believed in Mormonism anymore.

The call had lasted less than Connor’s had. That was a silver lining of it all. Kevin mostly just wanted to go back to the mission hut. He loved his family, he didn’t love how draining they could be a lot of the time.

After he hung up the phone and walked out of the office, giving the mission president a nod as he stood sternly with his arms crossed, Kevin opened the door and closed it behind him, letting out a sigh.

Connor was sitting on a nearby chair, his hands in his lap. He looked up at him at the sound of the door closing. “How did it go?”

He shrugged. “I’m staying it seems.”

“Good, I’m glad you are.”

“Me too. Ready to head back?”

He nodded at him and stood up. “It’s your turn to cook dinner.”

He gave him a small smile. “Are you even still district leader? Because I don’t think you can boss me around if you’re not.”

“Even if I’m not, I’m going to do it anyway. We need some order or we’ll either starve or have a huge mess.”

He smiled back at him as he noticed there was something nice about his smile. It wasn’t the forced one he usually had, like he was pretending everything was okay. It wasn’t the Mormon smile either where you pushed all negative feelings away, or said the most horrible thing with a grin on your face. It was a smile that seemed to come from a place in him that was at peace and actually happy.

They walked out of the mission centre together, ready to take the trip back to the village.

* * *

Things had changed a lot after their excommunication.

For one thing, the villagers seemed to warm up to them a lot easier now that they weren’t walking around with the Book of Mormon or had a breakdown over a speck of dirt on their white shirts.

Arnold was still working on what he’d dubbed the Book of Arnold. He had been taking suggestions on what he should add to it. Church had suggested that violence against spouses should be considered wrong. Thomas said they should emphasise selflessness. Zelder suggested not forbidding caffeine or alcohol. Most of the Elders had their own input.

The one that seemed to catch everyone off was Connor’s, whose voice was small when he’d first made the suggestion.

“What was that?” Arnold asked, leaning forward with interest at the mission huts table.

Connor paused for a moment, and silence stretched out. All the Elders were looking at him in anticipation.

“I was thinking, we should make… uh, homosexuality– being gay, okay. Not just okay. As good as being straight.”

All the Elders were silent, exchanging uncomfortable looks.

Kevin sat frozen where he was on the table next to Arnold. Connor was just as stiff on the couch, chewing his lip.

Some aspects about being Mormon were hard to let go. They’d all had it drilled in they weren’t meant to accept gay people or to act on the thoughts if you did have them. Kevin was always told it was about the acts themselves rather than the thoughts. It probably differed among the Elders, and the only common thing was that being gay wasn’t okay.

Kevin remembered how Connor admitted to have those thoughts and that they were long gone now. He’d had at least eight years to get rid of them. Kevin remembered at his own church one of the girls a couple years older than him had been sent to conversion therapy and she was used as an example of people who wanted to get better, and that they should be like her if they’d ever experienced those thoughts. The church had insisted healing was the best option.

Kevin wasn’t sure what he’d believed at that point. If there wasn’t a God, was there a reason to not be gay? People who were gay seemed to happy in the relationships. How could it be wrong?

The silence got stretched out long enough for it to be uncomfortable. Arnold finally cleared his throat.

“Good idea, McKinley. I’ll add it.” He scribbled down in the notebook he was using. From the angle Kevin was sitting he could make out that he’d written ‘gay = ~~okay~~ good’.

He looked back at Connor who was still sitting stiffly as Davis suggested they also allow premarital sex, something that didn’t give a drawn out silence and instead a couple sighs of relief when Arnold agreed to it.

The conversation continued on and Connor stood up and walked into the mission huts office, closing it behind him. The other Elders seemed to barely notice as they tried to get their word in. Kevin just stared at the closed door.

* * *

Kevin woke up in a cold sweat.

It was still pitch black outside. The sun probably wouldn’t come up for a few more hours. Connor didn’t enforce the 6:30 wakeup anymore, although that routine was hard to kick. Kevin usually couldn’t sleep much passed 7am anyway.

He didn’t see himself falling asleep now though. If it weren’t for the state he was in, Arnold’s snoring was enough.

He stood up and took his blanket with him into the living room.

When he walked into the living room though, he didn’t expect to see Connor sitting on the couch, reading something in the candlelight.

Kevin stopped in his tracks, staring at him. He hadn’t looked up at him yet and Kevin didn’t really want to disturb him. Maybe he could go back into his room and try and fall asleep instead.

Before he could move, Connor looked up at him. They held eye contact for a few second, a tense silence between them. Kevin opened his mouth to apologise and sink back into his room but Connor spoke first. “Are you okay, Kevin?”

For some reason, it was so pleasing to hear his name from Connor. “I’m fine. Just woke up and couldn’t get back to sleep. I didn’t mean to disturb you.”

He’d meant to ask what he was doing up in the middle of the night too. Connor was usually so tightly on their schedule that even if it wasn’t officially implemented anymore, he’d expected he would still follow it out of nature.

“You can stay if you like, I don’t mind,” Connor said, patting the empty space next to him.

Kevin paused for a moment. He should probably go back to his room and go back to sleep, and forget about what had woken him up.

Connor was staring at him, and there was something so inviting about that look that he stepped forward, keeping his blanket wrapped around him, and curled into the empty space next to him.

“Why are you awake?” Kevin asked, adjusting the blanket around him. Connor had dark circles under his eyes and the slightest amount of bedhead. It was hard to tell if he’d gotten much sleep at all.

“Oh, I had a hell dream.” He said it so casually it was almost like he was waving it off.

Kevin gaped at him, his eyes wide. “Oh gosh, are you okay?”

“It’s fine. I used to have it nightly. Have for years now. You get used to it.”

Connor’s voice was defeated. Hell dreams usually weren’t something that happened so frequently. Kevin’s only had two and those two were enough to scar him for life. He still vividly remembered the one he’d gotten after he’d said Jack had eaten a donut and caused him to get grounded.

“You don’t need to act so shocked,” Connor said, a sad smile on his lips. “I’d thought they’d go away after we left the church but I guess it’s not that easy.”

“Why do you have them?” he blurted out. Immediately, he wanted to take it back. That felt like it was too personal to ask.

Connor didn’t seem to mind. “Why do you think?” When he didn’t answer, he continued. “Because I’m gay. I’ve had the dreams ever since I had a crush on a friend.”

There was something so casual with the way he’d called himself gay. Kevin didn’t know what had been going on in his head. All he could really guess was that he was going into the direction of accepting that part of himself.

Truth was, it didn’t need to be said. They all knew he was gay. Kevin definitely didn’t expect for Connor to eventually go onto a path of trying to accept that part of himself. Maybe that was part of leaving the church.

“It’s fine,” Connor dismissed. “It’s not even nightly anymore. I guess sometimes I slip back.” He drew his knees to his chest, the book in his lap falling to the side. “I want to not be ashamed about this anymore. Hating myself for it has caused me enough pain.

Kevin watched him. He racked his brain trying to think of the best thing to say.

“I think it’s good you’re trying to feel better about yourself,” Kevin said. Connor turned his head to look at him. “I think maybe the church is wrong about a lot of things. I think a lot of things about the Book of Mormon never made sense– like the whole thing about Native Americans not actually being from America.”

Connor snorted. “That’s definitely one thing.”

“But I guess I’ve always wondered that, if we were made in God’s image why would he make some people gay if it’s wrong? I don’t get it.”

“Well, I was told musical theatre made me confused and being the youngest of four boys made me coddled more. Oh, and something about a distant relationship with my father, even though that wasn’t the case. It’s like they spin a wheel and pull something out,” Connor said, his voice distant.

Kevin frowned. “Wait, were you sent to… you know.”

He nodded. “All of middle school and a lot of money just to make me say ‘I’m not gay’.” He gave a long sigh, slumping back onto the couch. “It doesn’t even work. They just make you feel bad enough where you can’t even look at another man without worrying about going to hell.”

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s not your fault.”

“I still said that you shouldn’t act on them.”

“You were just saying what the church says. Would you still say that now?”

“No.” He said it quickly. It was the truth. He couldn’t even dream of saying it to him now.

“Then we’re good.”

They fell into silence. They sat there, mostly unmoving. Kevin could hear crickets chirping outside. The only light was a candle on the coffee table. The light dimly lit Connor’s face. Half of his face was a shadow. Kevin realised he could look at his face forever.

“I’m awake because I had a really bad dream.”

Connor looked at him, almost flinching at him breaking the silence. “A bad dream?”

“More like a memory. I… when I went to the Warlord he…uh… his response was sticking the Book of Mormon… up my…” he couldn’t get the word out, so he nodded down.

Connor gaped at him. “Oh my god, are you okay?”

“Physically or mentally?”

“Kevin…”

“I’m fine. As good as I can be I guess. It could be worse, this is the guy who circumcises women after all. And killed one man who didn’t want him to do it to his daughter. That’s a whole lot more traumatising.”

“Kevin that’s… that’s still horrible.”

He shrugged. “I’m trying to be less selfish I guess.”

He shook his head. “Kevin, it’s still not okay. And it’s not selfish to acknowledge you’ve gone through a bad thing.”

He felt a lump in his throat. He hadn’t had a real chance to really contemplate what had happened to him. All he remembered was pain as he went to see the doctor in the village, barely able to get the words out and tell him what had happened. The doctor had asked if he wanted to keep the book as a joke when it was finally out and he couldn’t bring himself to laugh. He just left and allowed him to dispose of it himself.

“It’s messed up,” Kevin muttered. “I don’t really want to talk about it.”

He nodded. “Of course. You can stay here if you’d like. Or go back to your room. Up to you.”

Kevin gave him a small smile. “Mind if I try sleeping here? Arnold snores so I doubt I’ll have luck in my room.”

He smiled back at him. Something about it made his stomach do a backflip. “Sure, I don’t mind,” Connor said.

Kevin went to lay down, resting his head on the arm rest. He curled his legs so they were pressing against Connor’s thigh. When he didn’t move away, he stretched his legs onto Connor’s lap.

He let his body relax, soon falling asleep, his feet remaining in Connor’s lap.

* * *

After that truly weird night, Kevin and Connor started to talk more. They’d got along before then, now it all just came easier. Kevin liked his company a lot too. He’d started to talk to him about musicals, something Kevin quickly realised was his passion. Kevin didn’t have much of anything to supply, he didn’t have the chance to really develop hobbies when he’d spent so much of his time studying. He didn’t mind, he could listen to Connor talk about musicals forever.

The Elders had been helping the community the best they could. For most things, or really basically everything, they seemed pretty capable and didn’t need the help of a group of nineteen year olds.

Arnold had been spending a lot more time with Nabulungi. They could usually be seen sitting by a river together. Whenever Kevin asked about it he just laughed and said nothing much about it as he’d blush.

Kevin spent most of his time between the mission hut and going around the village, asking if anyone needed help with anything. He was typically sent out to get water from a well. It was a long walk, especially in the heat and the water was heavy. Usually Elder Church or Elder Michaels would help him since the load was pretty heavy. They needed to get water for themselves too which was probably the only motivation.

That day, they were completely out of water. When they were running out they usually would have at least enough to get them through the day while one of them when to get water. Elder Thomas was meant to go yesterday but had sprained his ankle while playing with some of the children and no one offered to go instead.

“Elder Price should go,” Elder Davis said, his feet on the coffee table.

Kevin he’d back a sigh. “I just went earlier today for the Doctor. I don’t need to go again.” His feet had enough blister already. He’d planned on using this free time to sit at the river and put his feet in so he could cool down.

Connor looked up from the book he’d been reading. “I could come with you. I was meant to go with Chris anyway.”

Kevin paused. He didn’t mind the idea of alone time with Connor at all. They rarely got it and usually if they did, someone else was in the next room.

He wasn’t sure why that mattered to him so much.

He nodded. “Okay, get the containers and lets go.”

They got two containers each and together, started to walk to the well. It was about a half hour walk. It would probably be a nice walk if it weren’t for the hear.

They didn’t say much in the first few minutes. All there was was the sound of their dress shows stepping against the dirt.

Connor was the first to speak. “I’ve had a weird thought lately.”

“What’s that?” Kevin asked, glancing at him.

Connor’s eyes remained straight forward. “You know how I said I was trying to accept myself. About being gay?”

Kevin paused and nodded. “Yeah. I do.”

“I’m thinking about letting the rest of the Elders know that too.”

His voice was so confident as he’d said it. He’d probably put a lot of thought into it. For all he knew he’d agonised over it.

“Do you think it’s a bad idea?” Connor asked.

“No. I mean, it’s not like they don’t know.”

Connor snorted. “That’s exactly the problem. Except they congratulated me on being ‘cured’.” He sighed. “Maybe I’m being stupid. I only told you because I had a feeling you would react the best.”

“What about Poptarts?”

“Chris is a lot of things. But I never really figured out where he stood on it. We went to the same church and he knew about me being sent to conversion therapy. He’s never said anything about it. I don’t really want to take the risk.”

“Well, how am I different? We barely know each other.”

Kevin thought he saw him blush but it was hard to tell since his face was already red from the sun.

“I guess I’m an okay judge of character,” he mumbled.

Kevin then remembered how Connor assumed Kevin was having his own gay thoughts when they’d first met. He’d spent all this time thinking he had just been projecting. If he hadn’t been, what could make him think he was gay? Did he still think he was? Kevin never really sat down and told himself he was straight but… that’s just how things were. At least, he pretty sure it was.

“Are you still having hell dreams?” he asked instead.

“There’s been less of them. Sometimes they still come up. But I guess they’re slowly going away for good. It’s not really easy to just throw away nineteen years of conditioning.”

He nodded. “Yeah, I get it. Better than nothing, right?”

He gave him a small smile. “Yeah, I guess. I’ve been trying to figure what I’m going to do when we’re back in America. It’s still hard to picture trying to live a normal life and just… you know, be gay.” He let out a small laugh. “I’m probably not making any sense.”

“No, you are.” He lightly tapped his side with one of the water containers he was holding. “I’m sure you’ll figure it out. You have plenty of time.”

Connor nodded. “I know that my parents won’t be happy about it. As far as they know or care, that time of my life is long gone.” He paused for a moment. “I’ll have to figure that stuff out.” He cleared his throat. “What about you? What’s waiting for you at home?”

“At home?”

“Yeah. Friends. A girlfriend maybe. Anything?”

Kevin felt his stomach drop. He hadn’t really realised until then that there wasn’t really anything. His entire focus had been on the church ever since he was nine. All the friends he’d had had gone to his church. People at school were more acquaintances, especially if they weren’t Mormon. When he went home he’d probably have no real friends waiting for him, especially if he’d decided to really leave the church for good.

“Honestly, no. Not really. Guess I was too obsessed with the church,” Kevin said. “People always told me I was ‘blessed’. I don’t really know who I am without the church.”

Connor frowned. “Well… you’ve got two years to figure it out, right?”

He nodded. “Yeah.”

They walked in silence for a few minutes. They should be there soon and Kevin would probably drink some of the water. He really hoped the sunscreen he’d put on that morning lasted this long.

“You didn’t answer my other question. Did you have a girlfriend?” Connor asked, breaking the silence.

Kevin glanced at him. It was pretty normal to have a girlfriend waiting for you to finish your mission so you could get married almost immediately upon return. There’d definitely been mormon girls who had been interested in him but the feeling had never been mutual. He’d never really had a girl he’d been interested in at all. He’d pinned it to being so focussed on the church but the more he thought about it, the less sense it made.

There was definitely a clear line between being so dedicated to the church that you followed the teachings of celibacy before marriage and just not being interested in girls at all. Kevin had thought for the longest time he just fell into the former. The more and more he thought about it, he was beginning to think he’d been wrong.

“I didn’t, no,” he said. He cleared his throat and saw the well was just up ahead. “Come on, lets get the water.”

Before Connor could say anything in response, Kevin jogged forward to the well. Connor followed, and seemed to drop any other question he had on the topic.

* * *

It started to dawn on Kevin slowly before hitting him all at once.

He wasn’t interested in women. Not romantically, sexually, intimately, or anything.

He was very much interested in Connor McKinley in all the ways he was meant to feel for women.

He was gay.

It took time to get to that conclusion. Ever since he and Connor had gone to the well together he had to take a moment and contemplate a lot of things.

When he hadn’t been completely engrossed in studying and had time to breath between the church and homework, he’d liked to watch TV shows and movies. It was the only real hobby he had, even if it technically couldn’t be considered one.

Every now and again there would be a scene in what he was watching that would involve sex. The forefront of his mind thought about how it was wrong for them to do that and they should stop.

The smallest part of him, the part he barely acknowledge, had been transfixed on the shirtless man’s body.

Whenever he did notice it, he’d rationalise it with wanting to look like him while he would pat himself on the back for not being attracted to the woman in any capacity. He’d thought all that time he’d been this perfect Mormon who didn’t even have to deal with sexual thoughts of any kind.

He wasn’t sure what he was going to do about Connor though. He wasn’t even sure if he should or even could tell anyone he might be gay. He wasn’t even totally sure he was. He could just be making up things in his head. It was enough of a shock to his system to try and unlearn all the Mormon stuff.

It was a process for everybody really. There hadn’t been any sort of offical agreement, but they all seemed to slowly step away from the church. No one was desperate to get communicated into the church again. Especially after Davis and Zelder brought a few cases of beer for them to drink.

They dug into it, taking a few each. There was some hesitation until Davis jokingly said “Book of Arnold is okay with it, right?” After laughter among them no one complained about the alcohol.

Kevin didn’t really like the taste of the beer but it was a little nice to drink it in a group setting. Even if they were all still practically strangers.

Connor was laid down on the couch, staring at the ceiling. He hadn’t really joined in on their conversation about what they were planning to do when they got back to the States. Kevin didn’t have much to say since he didn’t have a plan. Not college, not a job, nothing. That’s what he got for making his entire identity Mormonism and this mission.

The couch squeaked at Connor sat up. He sat with his legs crossed on the couch. He held the neck of the bottle, tapping it against the couch.

Neely was in the middle of talking about his girlfriend back home who was waiting for him to finish his mission so they could get married. Kevin’s attention was pulled away from him when he noticed how stiff Connor looked.

“I have something to say,” Connor said.

Everyone either turned to look at him or slurred out words of acknowledgement. Arnold, who was four beers in and lying on his stomach next to him, turned his head up, glasses askew, and gave him a confused look.

Kevin had a feeling he knew what he was going to say. He gave him a small smile and a nod, hoping to communicate ‘you can do it’.

“Yeah, Elder?” Church asked, looking confused.

Everyone was looking at Connor and he had gone completely pale. Kevin frowned. He wasn’t surprised over the idea of Connor losing his nerve. A group of borderline ex-Mormons weren’t the easiest people to come out to. It would be hard for even the most out people– unless you were only saying it in attempt to get them off of your doorstep.

He cleared his throat. “I know this isn’t a surprise or anything. Or maybe it is in someway. I don’t know. But, I just wanted to say that I’m gay.”

The room went silent. From the corner of his eye he saw Arnold glance at him while the rest of the Elder’s looked at each other in a silent confession.

“You guys know this, I know. I just decided that I wasn’t going to, you know, I guess turn it off anymore. I don’t want to. So, yeah, I’m gay.”

The silence stretched out a little longer. No one looked exactly uncomfortable by his statement. Maybe there was a mixture of surprise and confusion.

“That’s great!” Arnold blurted out next to him. All eyes turned into their direction.

He hadn’t realised Arnold had sat up onto on his knees, practically bouncing up and down.

Connor gave him back a grateful smile. “Thanks, Elder Cunningham.”

“I agree,” Elder Thomas said, his voice shy. “Yeah. It’s good. I think we can all agree on that, right?” He turned to the rest of the room. There was a chorus of mumbled ‘yeah’ and ‘sure’ and ‘okay’. It was nowhere near as enthusiastic as Arnold, although that was probably more due to Arnold’s personality. Even then, Connor seemed relived, grabbing another beer and lying back down on the couch.

The conversion moved onto something Kevin barely paid attention to, something about Elder Thomas’ college plans. He didn’t care. He watched Connor for the rest of the night, thinking how different he was from the boy he’d first met who was nothing more than determined to get rid of his feelings for men entirely.

Did he have an idea of who he might want to be with? Did he plan on telling his family? Was he worried about how his family would react? Did he have some sort of plan of what to do if his parents wanted nothing more to do with him? How did he even accept that part of himself?

Kevin wasn’t sure if he was asking those questions to himself about Connor or about himself.

* * *

The river felt cold against Kevin’s ankles. The water streamed down passed him so quickly it was soothing.

Kevin spent a lot of time by the river. It was probably filthy and not safe to drink, hence the long trip to the well. But there was something so calming about being in it and just letting his body cool down. He used to use their drinking and bathing water but after being yelled at by the other Elder’s for wasting their water, Kevin learnt to appreciate the more natural source.

It also gave him the chance to think. Maybe a little too much. He’d never had that chance at any other point in his life. Usually that was more about when he would study the Book of Mormon and not make sense of what he had read, thinking of how he’d been told to ‘doubt his doubts’. That more so put him into a position to not think much at all.

If he’d been in his sexuality confusion when he was still that devout Mormon kid who thought he was some God given gift to the world, maybe he would’ve found all the ways to rationalise himself out of it. Like doubting his heterosexuality would lead to doubting the mere idea of doubting being gay.

Maybe this mission was better in a lot of ways. Other than Orlando, he hadn’t ever left Salt Lake City. It was probably why he saw Orlando as some magical world, for other than the fact it had Disney World.

He’d thought more and more about his sexuality, and more and more about Connor. He had been thinking even more about how Connor had shown up in his hell dream when he’d felt guilty about almost leaving Arnold.

At the time, he didn’t rationalise it because he was too busy trying to not feel guilty about almost leaving Arnold alone. On the other hand, it was a lot easier to repress the fact that Connor had shown up in his hell dream.

He hadn’t had hell dreams in the midst of doubting his faith. Instead, he’d lay awake at night staring at the ceiling and just trying to figure out if he was gay. He could probably handle that. He wasn’t sure how Connor would fit into that. He probably didn’t have feelings for him, just because they both might be gay, it doesn’t mean they would magically fall for each other and ride off into the Ugandan sunset.

“Hey, there you are.”

He whipped around and saw Connor standing at the riverbank. He was smiling at him, his hand in his pockets, and sunscreen still on his face from not being properly rubbed in.

“Oh, hey,” he said, and smiled back. “Were you looking for me?”

“Maybe. Figured I might find you here. Mind if I join?”

He shook his head quickly. “No, be my guest.”

Connor took off his shoes and socks and rolled up his pants before stepping into the shallow river next to him. He let out a sigh. “Feels great.”

Kevin nodded. “It’s why I like it, can barely handle the heat.”

“I’m a redhead, how do you think I feel?” he teased, nudging him with his elbow.

“Speaking of, you have some sunscreen on your face.” He waved his hand in front of his own face in a vague area of where the splotch was.

“I do? Where?”

He waved his hand over the spot again but when he still stared back confused and wiped his hand on the opposite side, Kevin held back a sigh and wiped the spot. “There.”

It felt like Connor froze against his touch. Kevin pulled his hand back and saw Connor’s cheeks turn pink, definitely not from the sun. “Thanks,” he mumbled.

Kevin realised his heart was racing in his chest. He also noticed that Connor’s eyes were blue. Had they always been blue? How had he not noticed that before? They suited him amazingly.

Connor cleared his throat. “Anyway, uh, Elder Cunningham was looking for you. I forgot to mention that part.”

“I think he’s okay with you calling him Arnold,” Kevin pointed out in a teasing voice.

He shrugged. “Force of habit I guess.”

He decided to not point out how easily he’d started to call him Kevin.

He nodded. “I’ll go find him. You should enjoy the river for yourself though. You need a break sometimes.”

Connor smiled a little. “Thanks.”

He stepped out of the river, happy he’d left his shoes and socks in the mission hut since there’d be no way to tell them apart from Connor’s.

“Also, Kevin,” Connor said, just as he stepped off the riverbank.

Kevin turned around. “Yeah, Connor?”

“Thanks for being an ear, about the whole gay thing. I probably wouldn’t have come out at all if I didn’t have someone to talk to.”

He gave him a small smile. “It’s no problem. I’ll see you later.”

He jogged away and back towards the mission hut, which was probably where Arnold was, that or at Nabulungi’s. He tried not to think about how Connor looked in the river and how much he’d wanted to stay with him.

The thing he’d learnt quickly was that forgetting Connor McKinley was not going to be an easy task.

He found Arnold, who apparently wanted his help to get the water for Nabulungi and Mafala. Usually one of them went but Mafala had been vomiting that morning, and Nabulungi wanted to take care of him. Kevin decided it was best to not ask about it.

On the walk to the well, Arnold was mostly quiet to the point it started to worry Kevin.

“You’re awfully quiet, buddy,” Kevin said about ten minutes into the walk.

Arnold shrugged. He was holding onto one container and held it to his chest, so it was kind of an awkward one. “I just feel bad for Naba and Mafala,” he said, using the nickname Nabulungi insisted Arnold call her after mispronouncing it so many times. “They don’t think he has much time left, and Naba’s not sure what she’s going to do when he’s gone.”

Oh. Right. In his acts of trying to be more selfless, he’d tried to remind himself of what exactly the people in the village were going through. Nabulungi seemed so positive most of the time that he didn’t even think to ask her what were her plans when her father was eventually gone.

“Do you have any ideas?” Kevin asked.

“Mafala has told me to do my best to take care of her I guess. But I can’t stay here and it’s not like I could easily bring her back to Utah with me.”

Kevin shrugged. “You could try.”

“I guess. But it feels wrong to make her leave her village.”

“Then don’t make her do anything, ask her what she wants.”

A look crossed his face like he hadn’t realised that was an option at all. “Right. I should’ve considered that.”

Kevin nodded. “Well you’ve got plenty of time to figure it out, right? And maybe Mafala will be okay.”

“Yeah, maybe they’ll find a cure for AIDs before he… you know.”

Kevin doubted it but he still nodded in encouragement. “Maybe.”

They walked a little more in silence. Kevin already missed being in the river. If it was clearer he’d probably just dive right into the nearest lake until he couldn’t feel the heat anymore. Maybe that would’ve been his real chance just to think.

He looked at Arnold, who looked like he’d slightly cheered up.

Maybe he should tell him, just so one person could know. Even Connor had told him having him to listen to him had been a big help. He really needed to have his own.

“Arnold?”

“Yeah buddy?”

“I think I might be gay.”

He heard the sound of feet scrapping against the dirt. He stopped walking and turned back to Arnold who was gaping at him. “Wait, seriously?”

“I said I _think_ I _might_ be. I’m not sure yet.” He put the emphasis on the words as more of a reminder to himself. He didn’t want to rush himself into this because what if he was wrong? He was confused about a lot of things at the moment, and his sexuality could easily be one of them.

“I think it’s great if you are!” Arnold said and before Kevin really realised, he was running up with him and gave him a hug, the empty water container lightly hitting his back. “Yeah! It makes sense! I remember the guys at the mission centre saying you’ve never had a girlfriend and they are in awe over how you were able to just not care about girls in anyway while they would say they struggled!” He said it all way to cheerily for what he was talking about, enough to make Kevin laugh a little.

“You think this is better?”

“I think whatever you are is great! Even better since the Book of Arnold is okay with it.”

Kevin snorted at that. “Yeah, I guess so. Thanks for adding that.”

“Don’t thank me, it is thanks to Elder McKinley. I honestly wouldn’t have thought to add it. When I told Naba about it she said that everyone in the village doesn’t mind.”

He gave him a confused look. “Isn’t it illegal here?”

“ _Village_. Naba also told me about before the first missionaries came the people didn’t care. Something about a prince or a king or something was bisexual. I don’t remember but the village doesn’t care.”

He nodded. “Yeah, they probably have more important things to worry about.”

He poked him in the chest with his free hand. “Exactly!” he grinned. “I do have a question though.”

“And that is?”

“You and Elder McKinley?”

He immediately blushed at his name. “What about him?”

“Are you guys together! You’re always making moon eyes at each other. I thought I was just imagining it but Poptarts mentioned something the other day about how McKinley always did it to you.”

“No, we’re not together and– wait he makes moon eyes at me?”

Arnold just grinned back at him. “What? You haven’t noticed? He does it all of the time.”

Kevin felt himself blushing, probably too much to blame it on the heat. “No. I haven’t.”

“Do you like him? Is that why you think you’re gay?”

“No. I think I’m gay for a lot of reasons.”

“Is McKinley one of them?”

“…Maybe.”

Arnold said nothing else. He just grinned and started to walk down the path again. When Kevin didn’t move, he stopped and turned around. “Come on, we shouldn’t keep them waiting.”

Kevin took a deep breath and let it out before following Arnold the rest of the way.

* * *

Kevin woke up in the middle of the night, the images of the General in his mind.

He sat up and rubbed his eyes. It was still pitch black outside, enough to tell him it was a long time until morning. Arnold was dead to the world, snoring loudly.

He sighed. Looks like it was another night on the couch.

He stood up and took his blanket with him to the living room. It was dark in there as he’d expected. Although, he had a small hope that Connor would be there too. Almost like he would be waiting for him.

But he wasn’t. Kevin got a drink of water and went to lay down on the couch.

As he tried to fall asleep, the only company he had were the crickets chirping outside.

* * *

He woke up that morning to the sound of footsteps.

He sat up and saw Connor standing in the small kitchen area. He frowned at him. “Kevin? Are you okay?”

He stared back at him. “What time is it?”

“6:30. You know I get up at this time.”

“Oh, right. Okay. I just… had a bad dream and couldn’t sleep next to Arnold.”

He nodded slowly and unsure. “Right.”

“Oh, and I’m fine. I guess. I still have those bad dreams from time to time but I’m sure they’ll go away.” He shrugged it off casually.

Connor was still staring at him. He walked towards him and sat next to him on the couch. “Do you need anything? Want me to make you breakfast?”

“I get sick eating this early.”

“Later then?”

“I’m okay with just getting a coffee later.”

Connor stared at him before standing up. “Take care of yourself, okay? I don’t need you torturing yourself, it’s not good for you.”

“I can take care of myself, Elder McKinley,” he teased.

His lips flickered into the smallest smile. “Okay, _Elder Price_. I’ll let you sleep”

He walked back to the kitchen, probably to get some breakfast. Kevin went to lay down and as he did, he peaked over at Connor. He didn’t expect much of anything.

When he did look over, he saw Connor glance at him for a few moment before turning away.

Somehow, he could tell that one look held more emotion than he would’ve guessed.

* * *

Kevin spent that day going through simple motions. He asked the villagers if they’d needed anything. They told him no politely or, if he didn’t know them all that well, yelled at him to go away. The latter of the two still weren’t convinced they weren’t going to talk about Jesus and leave the Book of Mormon or even the bible on their table.

What he did without even realising it was avoid Connor. Whether anyone noticed, he wasn’t sure. It was definitely enough for Arnold to pull him aside and ask him about it.

“Why are you avoiding McKinley?”

“I’m not,” he replied defensively, clenching his jaw.

Truth was, he had been completely avoiding Connor. The look that Connor had given him before he tried to go back to sleep made his entire stomach go into knots and a backflip at the same time. It made his heart race in his chest and he’d had to do everything to stop himself from glancing up just to see if he was still looking at him.

Kevin knew what it meant, and at that point it was ridiculous to hide.

He was one hundred per cent gay and had always have been.

And he had feelings for his very gay, and once very Mormon, District Leader.

He simultaneously wanted to drown himself in the nearest lake and run through the fields screaming in bliss over it.

That was the first problem.

The other problem was that there was a likelihood Connor liked him too, if Poptarts statement reported by Arnold about the ‘moon eyes’ were anything to go off of.

The look Connor had given him would probably qualify as ‘moon eyes’.

Was it that easy? To just tell him how he felt and then they could magically hold hands and ride off into the sunset and a potential future together?

Arnold gave a grunt. “Why do you do that?”

“Do what?”

“Constantly avoid how you really feel. We’re in _Uganda_ , we’re away from our parents. I think for once you can stop lying to yourself to try and please your parents and friends.”

Jokes on him, he had been trying to impress a god he doubted even existed. “Old habits die hard, I guess.”

He had been so used to just running away from hardships, anything that possibly made him question anything. He didn’t want to deal with the baggage for the chance that maybe he could go to Orlando again.

That’s why he studied every day of his life. That’s why he rarely talked to people who weren’t Mormon. That’s why he went this long with out seeing the neon blinking sign that said ‘YOU ARE GAY, KEVIN PRICE’.

He laughed in spite of himself. “God, I know I’m an idiot. How did I go this long without realising I was gay?”

Arnold gave him a smile. “So you figured that part out?”

He nodded. “Yeah. I’m gay. And maybe I like Connor a lot.”

His eyes widened. “Since when were you on a first name basis?”

He was definitely blushing again. “Uh, since we got excommunicated.”

“Who said who’s name first?”

“What are we, in middle school?” Arnold gave him a pointed look. “Fine. It was him, he said he wanted me to call him Connor and it just went from there. I don’t think that means he likes me.”

“Oh no, he definitely likes you.” Arnold grinned and bounced on the spot. “I’m already so happy for you two.”

“Maybe slow down until something actually happens between us, okay, bud?”

He nodded, still grinning wide. “I’ll try.”

* * *

He found Connor sitting at the river bank. It was in a deeper part and he had his pants rolled up to his knees so he could dip his feet into the water.

Kevin watched him for a few moments. His back was to him and he hadn’t turned around. He probably didn’t even know he was there which definitely made Kevin feel like a creep.

He cleared his throat. Connor turned and looked at him curiously. “Yeah?”

He bounced his weight from one leg to the other. “Mind if I join you?”

Connor smiled. “Not at all, I enjoy your company.”

Something about those words made his stomach do a backflip.

Wordlessly, he took off his shoes and socks, rolled up his pants, and sat with him at the riverbank. The water cooled down his body, which was hot from a mixture of the heat and his own nerves.

They didn’t say anything for a few minutes. They were sitting close enough for their arms to lightly brush against each other. Connor felt so warm from where he sat. He wanted to wrap his arms around him and kiss him senseless.

“I’m glad you’re here,” Connor said.

“Uganda or just here right in the moment?” he teased.

He saw Connor smile a little and he bumped him with his shoulder. “Both. I think I’d still be in the closet if it weren’t for you.”

“Were you ever in it at all?”

“Fine, I guess completely failed at being in the closet,” he gave a small laugh. “I do mean it. I followed the church so blindly for my whole life and spent three months focussed on just converting people. I think you did make a change. A good one.”

Kevin felt himself smile and turned to look at him. “I didn’t do it alone. It was mostly Arnold, really.”

He nodded, still staring out into the river. “Yeah, I guess both of you did some good.”

He felt his heart race in his chest. He was debating whether or not he should lean in and kiss him or if that was way too forward.

Before he could, Connor turned his head to look at him and gave him a curious look. “Was there a reason you came to bother me anyway?”

He frowned. “Am I bothering you.”

“I’m kidding, Kevin.”

He felt his cheeks go warm. “Right.”

He turned to him more, keeping one leg in the water and the other bending so his foot was now resting on the edge, “Was there something you wanted to tell me?”

 _Yes. Just say yes_. “Kind of.”

“Well, I’m all ears.”

His heart was thumping so hard he was worried Connor could hear it. “I… I think…no, no, no. Not think. I’m gay.”

The edges of Connor’s lips flickered. “I thought we established this a long time ago.”

“We didn’t establish anything, you just assumed I was gay. Oh, sorry, had gay thoughts.”

Connor gave a small laugh. “That was a long time ago.”

“It was barely over two months ago.”

“I know when it was. And I know what I said. Your ‘ _I’m not having gay thoughts_ ’ wasn’t that convincing, I have to say.”

“I didn’t know then so it wasn’t a lie.”

“Sure Kevin, I believe you.”

He decided it was best not to argue. “I do have something else to say.” His eyes briefly flickered to his lips. It was only for a moment, but still enough for Connor to catch it.

Connor smiled back at him. “Why don’t you show me?”

And he did. He leaned forward and pressed his lips to Connor’s. It was slow and chaste and about every bit as perfect as he thought it was going to be.

Connor had a hint of a smile as they kissed. If they weren’t in an awkward position on a riverbank, he’d probably make the kiss deeper. He enjoyed it for what it was in that moment.

When they pulled away, Kevin brushed his lips against his freckles. He was determined to give each one its own kiss until Connor laughed and pushed him away since it tickled too much.

After that, they told the other Elder’s soon after. The reaction was pretty similar to how they’d reacted to Connor coming out. Connor tried to make Kevin feel better by saying that they’ll probably come around eventually. Like both of them, they still had to unpack everything Mormonism had taught them.

The villagers hadn’t had any problem with it. At first, Connor had been worried but Mafala looked him directly in the eye and said “You know everything we have gone and go through. Do you really think we give a fuck that you two like to kiss each other?”

It was a convincing point, and Connor seemed satisfied with it. Even if the other Elders still looked slightly uncomfortable if they were sat together on the couch. Arnold loved to remind them that the Book of Arnold approved of it. There was at least an effort being made and really, that was all Kevin could ask for.

With only a year left of their mission, Kevin had started to become more and more aware he’d be taken out of wonderland and back to his parents, the same ones who’d told him that you were not meant to act on your gay thoughts. That was what they’d told him at a too young age when a woman at their church had left to live with another woman.

That was his first exposure to being gay. He hadn’t fully understood it when it had happened. When he’d heard adults whispering about it after church, he went up to his parents and asked them what being gay was.

“ _It’s a sin, Kevin,_ ” his mother had said.

 _“But what does it mean?_ ”

“ _When men lie with men and women lie with women, which is not how Heavenly Father intended things to go,_ ” his father had said, a trace of disgust evident in his tone.

“ _Many people cannot help the thoughts, Kev. We should love them regardless. The only thing one can do is not act on those thoughts_.” His mom had given him a loving smile before patting him on the head. Kevin wasn’t sure if she had been worried he’d eventually go down that path, or if it was enough to prevent it. All he knew for sure was that his parents weren’t going to take the news with stride.

“Hey, Connor?”

With his feet in Connor’s lap as they sat alone in the mission hut, Connor looked at him. “Mhm?”

“What do you think is going to happen when we get home?”

Connor paused. “I don’t know. We’re only two hours away from each other so there’s that at least, right?”

“But what about our parents?” Connor’s parents were definitely the ones who’d have the worse reaction. Connor hadn’t talked about if he was planning to come out to them– or whatever you’d call telling your parents the expensive conversion therapy they’d paid for hadn’t, doesn’t, and would never work.

“I’d rather not think about it,” he said, squeezing his ankle with a sad smile. “We can take our time, or we can never tell them.”

“I think they’d eventually notice, especially if we do end up living together.” They hadn’t talked at all about a future together. He didn’t seem himself with anyone but Connor, he wasn’t sure someone else could understand his state of mind as well as Connor did.

“I guess. Maybe we can sort it out later. I have this dream of living in New York. I’ve never been and it looks like utopia from my perspective,” Connor said, a faraway look in his eye. “I think I just romanticise it since I grew up in Salt Lake and everything looks better in comparison. Like how you love Orlando.”

“Hey, Orlando is my favourite place in the world!”

“Did you go anywhere else before or after it?”

He just teasingly scrunched his nose in return.

“We’ll figure it out,” Connor said. “We have a whole year to if you don’t want to do it through a letter or a phone call.”

“Neither. I want to do it in person.” While it probably made a little more sense to do it when he wasn’t in the room with them, it felt so impersonal too. It felt like dropping a bomb on them that way instead of sitting them down and trying to explain it to them. His parents might be mildly homophobic but he doubted that would cause him in bodily harm. He hoped, at least.

“Then do it in person.” He grabbed his hand and squeezed it. “In the meantime, lets just enjoy our time here together, okay?”

He smiled and nodded. “Okay.”


End file.
